In this podcast episode we get brutally honest and deeply vulnerable as we pull back the curtain on our 30-year relationship, revealing the intricate challenges of maintaining a marriage while raising a family and fulltime adventure traveling.
Listen to the podcast episode below where we share how couples can inadvertently drift apart and the deliberate work required to reconnect.
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Our journey together began quite unconventionally. Seriously, we were locked in a bathroom together! I (Robyn) was a driven 17-year-old high school senior when I met Victor. He introduced me to a world beyond my structured, responsible existence. He became what I describe as a “gateway” to new experiences – not just in terms of fun, but in feeling truly seen and appreciated.
For the first decade of our marriage, we were incredibly close. We started a gymnastics business together, bringing our children to work with us and maintaining an almost inseparable connection. However, subtle shifts began to emerge as our kids grew and as we started pursuing individual activities in 2010.
Over time, I gradually began choosing the children over Victor. This wasn’t a conscious decision to abandon my husband, rather a slow erosion of our couple-centered relationship. Between the “divide and conquer” parental responsibilities of shuttling kids to soccer & gymnastics practices, Victor working long hard hours to help us keep up with the Jones’s, as well as him starting jiu jitsu led to feelings of betrayal and unmet expectations. Unspoken resentments began building over time.
Instead of addressing these issues as they arose, we ignored them, hoping they would work themselves out on their own. But they didn’t and through the past decade of fulltime travel, the initial problems that might have felt manageable to solve, is now complex and intertwined with a lot of past emotions and confusion on what each wants going forward.
To try and gain better perspective on the situation, they gave each other a few weeks of space to try and better understand what each one needs individually in order to create better foundation for them long term.
I took Jiraiya and Tatiana to Bend, Oregon to spend 2 weeks skiing Mount Bachelor. I had a lot of time and space to balance my love for adventure with quiet reflection time as well as a lot of time to get back to my career goals with this blog and Be The Hero coaching.
Victor stayed in St George with our adult children and focused on self-care which includes:
- Starting the day by listening to something inspirational, spiritual, or educational
- Sitting in the hot tub to warm up his muscles, stretch, and do mobility work
- Going to the gym to workouts
- Meditation with breathwork
- 20-30 minute jog
- 3x a week jujitsu training
This routine, which can span 4-5 hours daily, is not indulgence but necessity. For Victor, it’s about creating mental space, processing emotions, and maintaining physical health. As he discusses in the podcast, the grounding he gets from his self care routine is essential before he can have energy and desire to step outside his comfort zone and “play” with Robyn.
What has kept us together through these challenges you might wonder?
1. Radical Open-Mindedness
We both have a willingness to listen to new ideas and are openness to personal growth resources. We also have a mutual respect for each of our individual journeys are are hoping that our transparency on how we are navigating the next phase of marriage helps others.
2. Shared Commitment to Physical Health
We both prioritizing exercise, have a strong desire to maintain our personal fitness & health. By doing so, we share values such as working out, doing ice baths, meditation, breathwork, and eating right. In addition to theindiviual benefits of these health habits, it also provides us extra bandwidth to listen to each other, manage our emotional responses, and talk things out.
3. Continuous Communication
We have regular, honest conversations about what we are thinking, feeling, and expecting from each other. We also have a willingness to reset button by saying sorry and treating the next day from a clean slate.
Our current challenge now centers around rebuilding a shared vision. After years of child-rearing and individual pursuits, we are working to:
- Redefine “fun” together
- Create mutual excitement
- Develop goals that inspire both of us
- Balance individual needs with collective dreams
Lessons for Other Couples
1. Prioritize your partnership, not just parenting
2. Maintain individual growth while nurturing connection
3. Communicate openly about expectations
4. Create space for personal development
5. Regularly reassess and realign your relationship
These stories we share on Defy The Norm podcast aren’t about reaching a perfect destination but embracing the continuous journey of relationship growth.
I hope our willingness to be vulnerable, to listen, to share, and to keep working demonstrates that lasting love is an active, intentional process.
Our goal is for our Defy The Norm podcast to serve as a beacon for couples navigating similar challenges – a reminder that with commitment, communication, and compassion, relationships can not only survive but thrive.
Recommended Resources for Couples:
If you enjoy this episode and want to use it to help your own relationship, we recommend buying The Gene Keys” by Richard Rudd (pro tip: get it in paperback and on audible) and Beatrice Chestnut’s 26 Types Enneagram Book We reference these 2 books often on the podcast because they are the resources we are using to take our relationship to the next level.
Bonus, Victor is reading The Courage to Be Disliked. If you are a “people pleaser” or are have trouble stepping into your own authenticity in fear of being rejected, this is a great book to help you own your uniqueness.
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