Growing Together As A Couple

Has your spouse ever called you a narcissist? I recently posted an episode on our Defy the Norm podcast about this challenging and eye-opening moment in my personal life—when my wife called me a narcissist. Me? The most selfless and compassionate man I know?

This wasn’t the first time she’d used the word, and it triggered a deep reflection on my behaviors, motivations, and the evolution of my role as a husband and father.

If you’re new to our journey, my wife, Robyn, and I sold everything ten years ago to live in a 30-foot motorhome with our five children. We’ve traveled to over 25 countries, seeking adventure and deeper connections as a family. Along the way, we’ve encountered significant challenges in our relationship and personal growth.

Today, I’d like to share with you how I’ve faced these challenges, particularly in understanding myself better, in hopes that it helps you achieve a deeper connection in your relationship and be able to grow together as a couple, as we have.

A Narcissist? Really?

When Robyn first called me a narcissist, my initial reaction was anger. I’ve always seen myself as a selfless person, someone who prioritizes my family’s needs over my own. So, hearing that word felt like a slap in the face. But as I began to dig deeper, I realized there was some truth to it, rooted in my desire to be needed and approved of.

The Enneagram, a tool we often discuss here and in our other blog, helped me see my behavior in a new light. We used to think I was an Enneagram 2, The Helper, but recently realized that I am an Enneagram Type 4 in stress who appears as a 2. Regardless, my biggest challenge is giving to get—offering help in exchange for love and approval. This realization was tough, but it was the first step in understanding the narcissistic tendencies that had gone unnoticed in my life.

The Evolution of Our Relationship

Our journey didn’t start with full-time travel. Before that, we ran a successful business in Coronado, California, with 160-180 students and 30-50 clients. Life was good, but I was emotionally disconnected, focused on providing for my family rather than truly engaging with them.

Robyn began pointing out that I wasn’t in touch with my emotions or my deeper desires. Initially, I dismissed her concerns, thinking I was already sensitive and aware of my family’s needs. But as we traveled more and had more in-depth conversations, I began to realize how much anger I was carrying—anger rooted in unmet emotional needs.

The Power of Self-Regulation

The anger I felt wasn’t just about Robyn’s words; it was a defense mechanism. I had to learn to self-regulate, to understand that this anger was masking deeper emotions like sadness and unfulfillment. Through meditation, breathwork, and exercise, I started to manage my emotions better, allowing me to engage in more meaningful and less defensive conversations.

Robyn and I had to renegotiate our relationship contract. The safe space I thought I was providing wasn’t enough; she needed me to be emotionally present and attuned to her needs. This required me to feel into a broader range of emotions, beyond just anger.

Understanding Narcissism as a Defense Mechanism

What I’ve come to realize is that narcissism often stems from deep-seated wounds, like those from childhood. For me, it was about seeking attachment and approval, first from my parents and then from my family. Understanding this has helped me see that labels like “narcissist” can be limiting. Instead of focusing on the label, I’ve learned to explore the underlying wounds that drive such behaviors.

Attunement & Empathy

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is the importance of attunement—being aware of and responding to the needs, moods, and emotions of those around me. This goes beyond sympathy; it’s about truly feeling into someone else’s experience. It sounds so simple and a little silly, but I often now catch myself saying, “I too know what that feels like.”

How My Ayahuasca Journey Helped Us Grow Together as a Couple

Shortly after this, I went on a spiritual journey using plant medicine to help me offload the wounds and trauma I was holding onto from childhood. It was an incredibly transforming experience that I share in the podcast below.

Tips To Grow Closer as a Couple

Growing together as a couple has been a multifaceted approach for me. If you are on a self-growth journey with your spouse or partner, here are the things I’d recommend, either instead of or in addition to the plant medicine approach:

• Become more self-aware: For most of my adult life, I had not been aware of my thoughts and emotions, and especially not the depth of them. I encourage you to reflect on your triggers and ask yourself, “Could there be something more going on inside of me if I scratch at the surface more?” Every challenging moment is an opportunity to look inward and understand where these feelings come from.
• Reflect on the emotion: Journaling is a helpful way of taking our thoughts and feelings and be able to observe them before engaging in conflict with your spouse. Start with the easy journal prompt of… I think and I feel.
• Question the belief before reacting: Once you are aware of the thought and emotion and have written it down so you can see what is happening in your mind, then take the time to question the truth of it. Our brain has a negativity bias and tends to exaggerate or stretch the truth in an attempt to protect itself.
• Decide what you really want: So you’ve observed yourself, now it’s time to separate fact from fiction. Regardless of if these emotions are true or if they are just a byproduct of your childhood, the more important thing is to figure out what it is that you need and want now, what your spouse needs and wants now, and where you want your life to look like going forward.
• Engage in the hard dialogue: Now you are ready to meet your spouse in a kind and compassionate, yet assertive way. Share what you felt, what you observed in yourself, what you need and want, and what you really want the relationship to evolve to. Take time to ask what they need and want and where they want the relationship to evolve to. Remember, the tone you use is important so set yourself up for success by doing this at a time when you won’t be distracted by the kids and you feel rested.

The journey of self-discovery is ongoing, and it’s one I’m committed to sharing with you. If my experiences can help you deepen your relationships or better understand yourself, then it’s worth it. Remember, every day is an opportunity to grow and become more attuned to the people we love.

Be The Hero In Your Relationship

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